Bookstore to Bookstore

Perhaps this is cheating, but I’m using a post from my regular blog about my adventures on August 8 2008, going to bookstores and trying to coerce them into carrying “Shrink Rap”:

Nagging Bookstores

My Philly adventure yesterday was quite bizarre.  It started out driving Kevin to Wilmington Delaware to spend the day with a girl he met at tennis camp.  This girl was gorgeous, slim, smart, funny, and athletic.  You know how they say boys marry women like their mothers?  Kevin decided to date girls superior to his mother.  Who’s he going to spend the day with next?  Miley Cyrus?

I had my trusty portable Garmin navigation system with me.  It’s the first time I’ve ever used it.  Trust me, people – these things are awesome.  It was way superior to my husband’s, which came with his car.  The graphics were better, and the voice sounded helpful, and not as though the woman wanted to give someone a blow job.  I just kept plugging addresses of Borders Stores into the Garmin, and spent all day traveling around from Wilmington, Delaware to several Philly suburbs.

Here was my schpeel:  (Big shit eating smile.)  May I speak to the manager in charge of ordering books?  (Manager comes.  My smile returns.)  Hi.  I’m Robin Altman, and I wrote this book.  (Show book in a sort of “voila!” way.)  It’s called “Shrink Rap – An Irreverent Take on Child Psychiatry”.  I’m a child psychiatrist as well as a stand up comedian, and the book is hilarious.  It also teaches people about kids.  (Good thing they don’t know my kids.)  I did a reading and book signing at the Borders in Reading, PA, and it was very well attended.  The book is selling great there, with my patients’ families as well as people who just grab it off the shelf.  “Back to school” is coming, and I think people will be even more interested in the topics in my book around this time of year.  Would you like this free copy?  (Voila!)  Perhaps you’d like to order some books for your store!  They’re fully returnable. (Someone just freaking shoot me.)

Here are some sample responses:

Delaware Borders (guy):  Sure!  That sounds great!  Do you have a press release?  (Yes, but I didn’t bring it with me!  Oh, shit!  He notices my “oh shit” look and seems to feel sorry for me.)  That’s OK.  Sure, I’ll order some.  (He goes to the computer and orders 3 copies.)  There.  We do book signings here, too.  Fall would probably be best.

Glenn Mills Borders (older woman):  That sounds great!  I’ll order some now! (Orders 3 copies in front of me. Takes my signed copy.)  I look forward to reading it!  I’m a grandmother!  I’ll give it to my daughter, too!  (I wisely refrain from pointing out my “no lending” bias.)

Springfield Borders (girl who looks like she’s twelve, and the store is packed):  This sounds great!  I’ll show it to our manager.  Give me all the information.

Bryn Mawr Borders: See above

Wynnewood Borders: See above

Chestnut Hill Borders: See above

Philadelphia Borders (middle aged man):  We only have nationally known people do readings here.  I could order the book, though.  There doesn’t seem to be any harm in that.  (No harm that I can see.  Can you pat my head and call me “Girly”?  You remind me of an old demented neighbor I once had.)

Then I met my friend Jody for dinner at a yummy restaurant on Walnut Street, and had two happy hour chardonays to wash down my Lyonnaise Salad.  Then a strong cup of coffee so I wouldn’t kill Kevin in a car crash after I picked him up from Hot Chick’s house.

That’s the end of my adventure.  And you know what?  I’m thinking of doing the same thing in Maryland on Wednesday.  I must be nuts.  I know, I know.  Take out the “must”.